


A bad year for a love story

by Chibieska



Category: Teen Top (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibieska/pseuds/Chibieska
Summary: "I'm sorry.I love you.Goodbye."That simple words change everthing for us





	1. Fan Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> To begin, this is my first English story and my first fanfic with idols, so I'm very anxious.
> 
> I apologize right now about my grammar and possible mistakes. I'm working hard to improve my english skills. If you have found something wrong, please correct me. I will be very grateful.
> 
> When Teen Top (and Byunghun) announced that they would be at GLOBAL LEADING Lotte Hotel TEEN TOP Fan Meeting in BUSAN ~ Precious Moment, my Angel heart was happy. Only then did I think how strange and embarrassing this situation would be for them.
> 
> Despite this, I could not get it out of my head and I decided to write about it, with my fanciful and hopeful heart of Angel guiding me.
> 
> At first, the original idea was a oneshot that ended up becoming a shortfic. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

~L.Joe

I knew that it would be embarrassing and uncomfortable. I needed to use all my acting skills to not show how disjointed I felt. If I could, I would not be there.

GLOBAL LEADING Lotte Hotel TEEN TOP Fan meeting in BUSAN ~ Precious moment, the name seems a bad joke with my current situation, but I cannot complain. I was not in position to complain about anything.

When I came out of TOP Media, I knew that I still have to meet my schedule with a LM, since the contract was independent, but I hoped my lawyer managed to nullify it. Unfortunately, I would have to attend the event in the end and if for a part I was happy to see our beloved Angel, in the other, I knew that was strange and uncomfortable.

The place was a relatively simple stage, there were fewer Angels than I was accustomed to and a tense atmosphere was palpable for anyone. I've been in a separate dressing room and the first time I saw Teen Top members I went on stage at the opening of the event, and it was much more uncomfortable than I had imagined.

Ricky smiled and nodded slightly, but the others looked uncomfortable and angry about my presence there. My out of the Teen Top had been troubled and I knew the boys resented me, Niel and Cap, mostly. But I did not expect Chunji was not going to face me.

I hoped he would be my lifeline, we are best friends and I knew he would his best I do not feel so moved. The problem was I had ruined this friendship.

Chanhee was a person I had trusted the most in these years. But now, as a best friend, I had become a complete stranger and it hurt me a lot. I'm not able to talk to him, send idiotic messages in the middle of the night just for him respond with another nonsense or just have random conversations about nothing. Even if I wanted to, I have deleted his cell phone number and erased all my social networking accounts.

When I left the group, Chunji was still performing his musical in Japan, I had not told him about my final decision, we had not spoken since then and everything I had left for him was a stupid note in his closet, and I did not even know if he'd read it. My true feelings would never reach him.

Chunji knew that I am unhappy about TOP Media rules and he had tried to convince me to stay with the group until the end of our contract, but as much as I wanted to stay, I knew it would only bother them if I stayed with the group.

Now all that's left of our friendship was his indifference. Anyway, I needed to keep my stance in front of the fans and try to act as normal as possible until the end of the event.

The event seemed to last forever and I glared Chunji every moment, even without realizing it. He was still very handsome. And despite he was tense, he sincere smiled for the fans and I realized how I missed that smile.

When the event was finally over, I let a relieved sigh escape my lips. It had been awful to be ignored by my buddies, but I knew it would be so. I had withdrawn to my dressing room and waited for my agent. I was thirsty and no one had remembered leaving a water jug in my dressing room. At other times, there would be some manager that I could ask for water, but now, I would have to pick it up myself.

I walked out of the dressing room and down the hall, an automatic soda machine at the end of that place. It was not what I was looking for, but it would serve by the hour.

I put money in the machine, but a machine just swallowed my note without giving me a drink. I pressed all buttons but nothing worked. Certainly not my best day. Suddenly, someone knocked on the side of the machine, and the soda rolled to an outlet dispenser. Only then, I did notice who was beat in the machine.

"Chanhee..." He stared at me harshly. "You were well today"

"Is that all you have to tell me?" An arched eyebrow. The tone of voice came out angrier than I expected.

"What?"

"We have not talked in the last few months and all you have to tell me is ‘were we okay’?" He really was very angry.

"Channie..." There was a part of me that was happy to talking with him, but he was making me stunned by those questions.

"Do not give me Channie. You just abandoned us and that's all you have to tell me? "

"And what did you expect?"

"An apology would be a good start"

"And why should I have to apologize?"

"You're ridiculous, you just turned your back on me and you think you do not have to apologize for anything?" Chunji was speaking very loudly. "I thought we were best friends, which you trusted me and everything about you I had to know through the press."

"You were in Japan, and I told you about it..." I defended myself.

"And when we last spoke you agreed to stay. You said you were going to stay with me - with us." Chunji corrected himself.

"Chanhee"

"Everything we built was a lie, was not?" That part was filled with hate and another feeling I could not decipher. "It was all pretense, right? You really are a good actor..." He spat the words.

"It's nothing like that, I've always considered our friendship extremely important and..."

"So prove it"

"What?"

"Prove it was not a lie"

How would I prove it? Chunji was furious. No matter what I said, he would not believe me. But what could I do to prove that I really liked him and I missed him so much?

"You can’t..." He sighed.

I could see clearly in his face how it was affecting him. Clearly, he felt cheated and betrayed by me, Chunji always made explicit how important our friendship was to him, and I knew that I was not the only one suffering from our detachment.

"Did you really think that your stupid note would keep our friendship intact?" Then he had found the note and my heart skipped a beat. I had written it on impulse, but I really wanted to write those words. "You really thought those random words would be enough to..." But I did not let him finish. Without really thinking about it, I pulled him by the shirt and joined our lips.

My heart was beating fast and noisy. Those were not random words, I had written on impulse, but those three short lines expressed perfectly how I felt for him.

I thought he would pull me away, but his arms wrapped around me gently and he matched the kiss. His lips were soft and warm. The breath against my face made me inebriated.

That was wrong in many ways, we were two men, we were in a totally exposed place. If someone saw us, that would ruin our careers. However, at that moment I did not think of any about this, I just wanted him to shut up and understand how I cared about him.

Our lips parted, but my hands continued to hold onto Chanhee's shirt. We were silent, staring each other, I could hear voices and movement through the hall, but I didn’t care. I could not figure out how he felt at the time, I wanted him to believe me, my feelings for him.

"Chunji, is everything okay?" A manager appeared. I did not know if he had seen us together, but he saw my fingers wrapped around Chanhee's shirt and took on a more serious expression.

"Yes" Chunji replied laconically and took a step back, moving away.

"Is everything all right?" The man looked at me suspiciously, but in the face of my silence, he turned to Chanhee. "We need to go."

"Okay," Chunji agreed and followed the manager, not saying a word of goodbye to me.

I stood there, in front of the automatic soda machine; my mind was trying to process everything that had just happened. I had kissed Chanhee and probably he was more hatred than me now. Then I remembered the note, and those words could not sound more true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: The idea for the story arose precisely because of this event, the last one where Teen Top performed as OT6 (really not, but...)
> 
> Chunjoe is my ultimate ship ever, and even though they are no longer bandmates, I hope that friendship between them has remained the same.


	2. Hong Kong

~Chunji

"Are you okay?" The manager asked again as we headed down the way toward the parking. I just nodded. "Were you guys have a fight?"

"No"

"Kissing then?" I stopped and stared at him with wide eyes. "You do not be so surprised, that distance between you guys could only be one of those two things: fight or kiss. Besides, this not like is unthinkable, the kiss, you know. "

"As well?"

"You and Byunghun ..."

"What are you insinuating?"

"Have you noticed the way he looks at you?" Of course, but I tried not to think about it before; I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. And I tried not to think about his stares now, due to the circumstances.

"Do not tell the others" I sighed.

"I don’t, but you should think seriously about it. Being homosexual can be very troublesome for your career, especially getting involved with someone like him. "

"The Angels always shipped Chunjoe" I replied unpretentiously.

"You know L.Joe does not exist anymore"

The manager was right. L.Joe, my L.Joe, no longer existed. That person was only Lee Byunghun, who was supposed to be just a rookie actor and a complete stranger to me.

I got to the car and the other members were already there. I noticed Niel's gaze on me, but he did not say anything. I settled into the window seat and closed my eyes.

The kiss scene was repeated in my head and I felt my hands tremble slightly. Byunghun's lips were still rough, just like the last time we had a kiss. Although, it had been an accident and should not even be called a kiss.

We were in Hong Kong recording I Wanna Love MV. I had repeated my scene at least six times, and the director did not seem pleased. I did not understand how a scene of a man eating canned on stairs could demand so much, but there I was, sick of eating canned pineapple and having to remake the scene.

L. Joe was there, waiting for his time to record. Then in one of the breaks, he sat next to me on the stairs and we talking about random things. At some point, I accidentally dropped one of the rings I wore and both of us bent down to pick it up, we were sitting so close that our lips crashed into the process.

It was no big deal, but I felt my face flush and Byunghun instinctively covered his lips with his hand and smiled childishly.

"Ya! Your lips taste like pineapple "he grunted.

"What did you expect?" I pointed to the tin cans scattered across the scenery. "You're not going to fall in love with me, are you?" I teased.

"More than I already am?" And that caught me off guard, I did not know if he was kidding or not. Probably that words not was serious, we were friends at all. All the suggestive situations that we lived was because of fanservice, just that.

I had always tried to convince myself of this and not think of Byunghun's words. So then, there was the note that he left in my closet, and those simple words seemed to have stirred my feelings more than they should have. It was a simple note, in plain white paper, lying in the back of my closet as if an old piece of paper that I had not thrown into the trash because I forgot about it. L. Joe had not signed, but I knew his spelling well.

"I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Goodbye."

How did he expect me to deal with it? Those words meant so much, but at the same time, they seemed to be just loose on paper, lightly. I needed an explanation for that. I couldn’t accept that easy goodbye, I needed to understand. But Byunghun did not answer any of my messages or answered any of my calls and he had deleted all his accounts on social networks, he had become inaccessible for me.

That's why I had confront him in the only opportunity that I had have, but everything had gone wrong. I should not have left my anger and sad moods, I did not want us to have argued and I did not expect him to kiss me.

Why had he kissed me? Did that damn "I love you" was not just friendship? Why I had reciprocated? What was I thinking when I hugged him and kissed him back? I wanted to scream.

"Chanhee hyung, are you okay?" Niel was kneeling in his seat and peering over the back of the seat. "Your face is red and you acting very strange"

"I am fine"

"Are you sure? It's not because of ... "

"No, and I'm fine." Niel did not seem to believe in me, but he returned to his place.

I understood Niel's concern. The day I had found the note, I had an uncontrollable crying. I did not know if I was crying because L.Joe had left us, or because of the damn note, I just cried.

Niel found me and tried to comfort me in his best of ways. Eventually, he saw the half-crumpled note between my hands. I did not know if he had read anything, but he did not have to ask me to know whose note it was. And I did not have to ask him to know that I was the only one who had received anything from L.Joe.

I knew that my feelings for Byunghun were conflicting, but I tried not to think much of them. I did not want my indecision feelings to interfere with our work as a group. I always tried to convince myself that everything was for the sake of fanservice.

Moreover, it was then that I realized, it was by fanservice, but the fanservice was with L.Joe. L.Joe did not exist anymore, as my manager had said. But I rarely called Byunghun by the stage name, even at shows, I accidentally called him by his real name. My conflicting feelings was not for L.Joe, my feelings had always been for Byunghun.

I took the wallet in pocket and opened it. Inside, the crumpled note was carefully guard.

"I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Goodbye."

This was not a note from L.Joe to Chunji, this was a note from Byunghun to Chanhee. If there was his declaration of love, there was also his goodbye and without realizing it, my eyes filled with water and I was crying again. Crying incessantly, as on the day I had found the note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: Well, that's a little short chapter. I'll try to make the next ones longer.
> 
> I Wanna Love is my favorite Teen Top MV, just so it appears in the story. :)
> 
> Bye, thank you again


	3. The Great Catsby

~L.Joe

He smiled at the audience and bowed gratefully, while everyone applauded cheerfully. Chanhee was incredible.

I tried to keep myself off the press. I did not want to know what they wrote about me or Teen Top, I did not want to get any connection with tabloids who disgraced and attacked me, as if it were all my fault. However, even if I tried to get away from it all, I ended up seeing an advertisement for the musical "The Great Catsby" and it would not be a big deal if Chanhee were not at the center of the poster, the musical lead.

I had not seen him since after the Lotte Hotel TEEN TOP Fan Meeting in BUSAN ~ Precious Moment, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened.

I did not regret having kissed him. I was fully aware of my feelings for him, but I had always done my best to keep them hidden inside my heart. Chanhee made me feel special, but I couldn’t by our friendship or careers at risk, I could not risk everything by a one-sided feeling.

Nevertheless, was it one-sided love? The way he hugged me and answer to the kiss made me very confused. The way Chanhee treated me always confused me, all his displays of affection seemed too intense to be just friendship, but at the same time, he always became defensive when I clung to him.

I knew the words on note could be interpret in many ways, and I hoped it would sound like a farewell between friends, even if I knew my words meant more. However, after the kiss, Chanhee would not be so naive as to believe that was only friendship.

Therefore, I was in the theater, watching one of his performances. I needed to know how he felt and needed to apologize properly; I had only made things worse in the end with that unthinking kiss.

After the musical was finished, I waited outside the theater for a long time, until all the people left, the doors closed and the facade lights go out. Some actors and staff members retired gradually and finally when Chanhee appeared, a colleague of cast followed him.

He paled when he saw me, but he disguised himself with a smile, said bye to the woman, and came toward me with a rather serious countenance.

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see the musical"

"If you have seen ..."

"Chanhee, we need to talk."

"You could call ..."

"I do not have your number anymore." He quirked his eyebrows. "My agent said I'd better avoid contacts with TOP Media members..." I explained embarrassed.

"And why do not you follow what he asked you to do?"

"Chanhee, please ..." He looks from both sides of the street, as if to make sure no one is watching us.

"Be quick" he pulled the car key in his hand and tapped it in his fingers, as if he had marked the time I had.

The problem was I didn’t know where to start, I did not know exactly what to say, I just wanted to see him. I wanted to get back our friendship, to know how he felt, but I did not know how to do any of these things.

"I’m sorry"

"For?"

"Everything, I guess"

"Be specific, Byunghun"

"I'm sorry I left the group that way. I know I promised you to stay for the next album, but you knew I wasn’t happy and I was losing auditions because of the contract.” He said nothing, just kept staring at me. "And I'm sorry I did not tell you about my final decision, but I knew you would ask me to reconsider... But I couldn’t stay; I would only bother you guys."

"So it's my fault?"

"That's not what I said, I just want you to understand that it was not easy for me."

"And you think it was for me?" I wanted to argue, but I did not know what to say.

"I'm sorry, really." I asked without much hope of improving our situation. "I'm sorry for taking your time."

"Did you come by taxi?" He asked as he saw me turn around. He knew I did not drive. "Do you want a ride?" He shook the car key discreetly.

I should refuse, if my agent knew that I had gone there only to see Chunji, it would be very troublesome. However, it was Chanhee and it had been the nicest thing he'd said to me ever since I'd left the band. So, I accepted.

Chanhee drove like an old woman, slowly and with extreme caution and any other day, I would be annoyed, but not now, that I could enjoy every minute of your company.

"You were incredible in the play" I said, breaking the silence inside the car.

"Thank you," he answered laconically.

"About what happened last time ..."

"Cannot we talk about this?"

"You got mad?"

"What do you think?"

"But you corresponded"

"Let's make one thing clear, we're not friends anymore and I do not want to talk about it."

To hear him say we were not friends hurt my heart. But that was, perhaps, the last chance I had to talk to him.

"What I wrote you on the note ..." He braked abruptly, stopping the car less than a block from my building.

"Enough! Get out of my car. "

"Chanhee ..."

"Get out." He pointed to the car’s door.

"I love you" I said and I thought he would throw me out of the car and scream like a drama queen that he was. However, he just stared at me, as if I'd said a bad joke.

"Never say that again."

"But it's true"

"The truth. Just like the other part of the note ..." He averted his eyes, but I noticed that were wet. What did he mean by the other side? Ah, the end of note.

I opened my mouth to argue, but he pulled me and kissed me. I could feel his salty lips against mine and his hands tremble lightly against my shoulders. The kiss became more intense and I felt his fingers curl into my hair. My arms wrapped tightly around him, pulled him closer.

The car was absurdly hot and the windows foggy. We finally split and his face was completely red.

"I love you" I repeated, interlacing my hands with his.

“I said for you never say that again.”

“And I said this is true.” His cheeks flushed. “I love you” I said again.

"You already said that."

"I know" and gently he smiled. A sincere smile I had not seen on Chanhee's face for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N / T: Well, for those who do not know - or do not remember - Chunji was part of the musical The Great Catsby.


	4. Flowers of Friendship Blooming

~Chunji

I had never been to Byunghun's apartment before and that would not be the time I would have a chance to enjoy with his furniture. The door of the apartment barely opened and I felt his lips on mine. Our feet stumbled over the environment until he pushing me and I fell my back on the bed.

"Byunghun" my voice came out unsteady and shaky.

"I love you," he replied, and I no longer knew how many "I love you" he had said since we were in the car.

He pressed our lips together again, kissing me with so much heat that I was disoriented. His hands roamed my chest and hips rubbed against mine. He slid his hands inside my shirt and I let out a sigh. He just smiled in contentment.

Clumsily, Byunghun removed my shirt and nibbled on my neck, light and delicate bites, which became more intense and leaving not discrete marks in the region. He hands slid down my chest until it stopped over the volume in my pants and my whole face caught fire.

"I want to do this, but if you're not ready ..." he started embarrassing and I knew where he wanted to go.

I had never been with a man before and imagined he had never been. Neither of them knew what to do. It was much more instinct than knowledge.

"I'm ready" even if it was not quite, I wanted that and wanted with Byung.

He kissed me hard again, his hips rubbing against mine, his fingers playing with my nipples. Suddenly, he stopped kissing me, straightened and pulled the shirt over his head. Then he unbuttoned my belt and pulled my pants down, both with my underwear, I was totally naked.

I felt embarrassed and covered my face with my hands, but Byung gently pushed my hands away and gave me a sweet smile. He kissed me again, his hand manipulating my cock. I felt my body burning and the room absurdly hot.

I was very distracted by all that was happening. Everything his made was good. Suddenly, I felt one of his fingers slide into me. It was strange and uncomfortable and I stopped it.

"Do you want me to stop?" His voice sounded extremely grave and sensual.

"Byung, do not ask that kind of question." I felt embarrassed.

"I need to ask ..."

"I ..." I did not know what to answer. I was excited, but at the same time scared.

Byunghun stood up and kneeled at corner of the bed, then he pulled my legs apart and I felt his tongue warm in my opening. My body shuddered instinctively and he smiled.

"Is that better?" He did not wait for me to respond and kept licking.

I could no longer control myself, my moans filled the room and my body seemed to have a will of its own. It was as if I'd been waiting for it all my life.

Byung got to his feet and took a condom. He took off his pants and underwear and put the condom on. He was much prettier than I remembered.

"Chanhee, if you want, we ..." He began.

"I want you" And that was the request that he needed. He positioned himself between my legs and slid inside me. It was painful and uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.

"Are you alright?"

"Byung" I groaned, I knew he would fill me with questions and would not do it if I showed him that it hurt. However, I really wanted to do that.

He started to move slowly and it was a little less uncomfortable, even if it was still painful. He was staring at me in that way that made me feel the only person in the world, that damn stare that had made me fall in love with him.

I did not know when it had happened, but sometime in those seven years, our friendship had turned more than that, but none of us had taken the missing step. No one would risk friendship, career or group. So why now? But that did not matter now, nothing mattered. Except Byung and I.

He lay on my body and laced our fingers together; his breath was panting and the movement of his hips rhythmic. His lips was press against my neck before they aligned with my ear. He stepped up and I could hear his groans, sensual, at my ear.

My moans turned louder, echoing through the room. Despite the pain and the nuisance, I felt happy and excited. The room got much warmer, our moans much louder and suddenly, it was as if everything was very light and intense.

When I regained consciousness of where I was, Byung was lying by my side, our legs curled, and his body sweating in contact with mine. His breath was panting and our fingers were entwined.

He had a silly grin on his face, like a child on Christmas day, and his lips moved slowly. I was expecting another "I love you".

"Promise me we’ll be together forever?"

How could I promise that? I loved him so much, but it was a promise I could not make. Forever was too much time and being together was not so simple. Had not been before and would be much less now.

I felt my eyes fill with water. I wanted to be with him forever, I wish I could say yes. I looked up at the ceiling and forced a smile, trying to hide the tears that formed.

"Channie" he call me. He was almost asleep next to me. "I said I love you?"

"Oftentimes"

"I do not want you to forget"

"I'll not forget."

I put a hand through his hair and laid a kiss on the forehead, he smiled childishly and settled better next to me. I needed to answer the promise but I didn’t want to spoil that perfect moment we had have together. I didn’t want to lie for him, though.

"Hey, are not you going to clean up?" I asked, but he was already asleep. The expression was light and soft, as I had not seen in a long time.

I wanted to stay with him forever. As a friend. As a lover. The way did not matter. As long as we could always have each other, but I wasn’t naive and I knew that it would hardly happen. If there had been a chance for us in the past, we'd simply wasted it, and now we just clung to a thread of hope that would not sustain us for long.

My eyes darted across his bedroom; there was dozens of photos flanked a huge mirror. There were pictures of him alone, with family, with fans, with friends, with other idols. His photo with G.Dragon occupied a special spot above the mirror. There were no pictures of me, no pictures of the other members neither Teen Top as a group, but there were gaps, some photos seemed to have been recently removed.

In the middle of the photos, there was only one paper. It was a little card, smaller than an ordinary card, red and crumpled and my heart skipped a beat. I knew that card and the letter on it, because it was mine letter.

When had he gotten that? Had he taken my words seriously that time? Was he serious when he said we should get married? It was just a radio show; it was just Chunjoe, right? However, he had used our real names this time, as he had in several others, as he did now.

I felt my eyes flutter again. I did not know when I had fallen in love, but he seemed certain of his love for me a long time ago.

"Byunghun

I love you <3

Chanhee "

I didn’t remember why I'd written that with our real names since it was for a radio show. I never knew he kept that note. Idiot, this such things only made me fall in love for him even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: Sorry, it's a bit late uptade, but I'm very insecurity with hot scene. It's my first in English (and other language as well) and I don't know how good it really is. I hope it is reasonable.
> 
> And, I like references. So, the paper is a note that Chunji wrote in a radio show. It had a sketch and Teen Top had chose other member like a couple and Chunji and L.Joe choose each other.


	5. L-Den-Bell

~L.Joe

Chunji was sitting on one side from the table in the bar we frequented. He was laughing loudly and I did not even know why. He had drunk more than three bottles of beer and his cheeks were already red.

"Happy Birthday." He stopped laughing and stared at me.

"You told me that twice today"

"But it was during the filming, did not really count." He grinned.

It was my birthday and we had spent most of the day filming a special "Teen Top On Air" for date. It should have been a simple and happy recording, but that had not been so easy.

I still recovered from a cold and my mood was not the best; and it all got even weirder when Ricky commented on being together forever and about not being alone. It was supposed to be a joke, but it was strange. Chunji was extremely emotional about that topic and we had to record a couple of times until it was reasonable.

When recordings were over, I thought I was going home, but Chanhee asked if we could have a beer to celebrate. Just the two of us. I had no recourse.

There we were. I was still in the first glass while he had emptied three bottles quickly. He alternately laughed to sing parts of a song.

"What are you singing?"

"You and I." I quirked my eyebrows, unable to remember. "It's on the set list for new album, I liked it." It was one of the possible new songs on the new album. We had not chosen them all yet. "I don’t know what my lines will be, but yours lines are pretty clear to me." He smiled softly. "Did not you hear?"

"Not all."

"You're not interested, are you?" Chanhee's smile disappeared and he assumed the same expression he had during the filming.

"Chanhee..."

"Is this because of Niel?"

"No," but it was. Niel would have another solo before our new comeback. Chunji had musicals. Ricky was acting and Cap was very busy composing. While I, well, I wanted to act. I continued to hold auditions, but I had to reject some roles because of my contractual clauses. Everyone seemed to be able to take their solo activities in parallel with the group, but I couldn’t do the same.

"Are you sure?" He knew I was lying. He always knew.

"I just want to be able to promote my solo activities."

"I know, just stay with us. Just this year "Chanhee stared at me seriously. His hand reached across the table and touched mine gently, our fingers intertwined. I felt my heart skip a beat and my face blushed.

"You're going to ask me the same next year." I tried to smile to dissipate the mood. I wanted to promise that I would stay with the group, but I was not sure if it was what I wanted. I really enjoyed acting; it was as if I had found the purpose of my life. However, I no longer had so much pleasure in being with the group.

"I'll ask you every year, forever." He smiled and his fingers tightened our hands together.

=8=

When I woke up in the morning, Chanhee was lying next to me on the bed, naked, partially curled up in the blanket. We were holding hands, just like that time on the bar. The last one we had drunk together.

It still seemed rather unreal to me have him by my side, aware of all the feelings I had for him. I had a smile on my face that would not leave so soon.

I spent a long time watching Chanhee sleep. After a while, he opened his eyes, drowsy, and stared at me for a long time.

"Good morning, Channie," I said with a smile. He yawned and smiled back, timidly.

"Good morning," Chanhee replied. "It reminds me when we lived in the lodge." He said nostalgic.

"We did not have sex in the lodge," I said.

"About I see you in the morning," he correct, punching me.

"How do you feel?" I asked and he stared at me blankly. "You know, about yesterday..." I commented uncomfortably. Despite his drowsiness, his face flushed furiously.

"Good."

"Are you sure?"

"Byung, stop with those questions." He was incredibly cute when embarrassment.

I put my arm over his thin shoulder and kissed him. He was sleepy and his lips were soft. I pulled his hair lightly and he gave a moan. He pulled my body along with his. His legs curled on me and I started to get excited. Every touch of his, however simple it always made me euphoric.

"Byung," he mumbled in the middle of the kiss.

"What?"

"I'm hungry." Chanhee parted our lips and looked at me with puppy eyes.

"Do you want me to prepare something?" I was not exactly good cooking.

"It's your home, is not?" He gave that sweet smile that always bent me.

"I don’t want to do," I mumbled slyly.

"Alright, I will. I hope there's something in your refrigerator." Chanhee tossed blanket aside and stood, but I held him by the arm. "Byung."

"I don’t want you to go"

"I'm just going to the kitchen." He answered impatiently. He pulled on his underwear and headed for the kitchen.

I had spent the last years idealizing that moment. Every smile, every skinship, every look I got from Chunji made me dream about something romantic that I knew would never happen. Now there I was. I could hear Chanhee cooking in the kitchen and I could still his smell on my sheets. I wish I could lock the door to my apartment and keep the two of us there. Make that moment last forever.

I didn’t know how things would go from there. I had not done any planning for this situation. I had simply acted on impulse going to the theater, I didn’t expect Chanhee to kiss me, I didn’t expect us to spend night together. I didn’t expect to be there now while he was preparing my breakfast.

Just as I had not thought of the consequences when I left the note in Chanhee's closet. I wanted to say those words, I wanted to say goodbye to him, and I wanted Chanhee to know how I felt. But I had not imagined his reaction, I would never imagine that he would come after me at the first opportunity he had and would throw that in my face.

Not that I could really complain. I mean, if was not for his temper, we wouldn’t have argued and I wouldn’t have kissed him and the situation would not have evolved that way. I loved him, that's all I cared for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: I wanted to use favorite Chunji's song in this chapter, but "Missing You" is very sad. In the end, I prefer use You and I (but I have no idea which line suits for L.Joe.


	6. Rookie Days

~Chunji

The dance practice were much heavier than before. We had to go through all the choreographies again now that were only five of us. We were going to Japanese tour and everything had to be perfect.

Rocking started playing in the practice room and Ricky took center stage. I still found strange to see him take the place that belonged to L.Joe. I still missed the choreography many times, as if I expected L.Joe to show up to take his place.

I looked at our formation through the mirror, the one that should be our original formation. When the first rumors that we were about to debut began to appear within TOP Media, everyone said we would be a group with five boys.

When the rumors came true and the group started to take shape, for some reason our manager said we would be in six and Byunghun appeared, someone who was a complete stranger to me. I had not liked Byunghun at first. He had made a horrible audition, his Korean was strange and he had that ulzzang look that I didn’t like at all. I knew he didn’t like me too much, something about my Prince kind. Even if we didn’t like each other, I knew that I'd gotten those differences aside for the sake of our chance to debut.

I did not remember when I became more comfortable and receptive to him. When we had become friends, best friends to be more accurate. I didn’t remember when the fanservice started to not seem like just fanservice to me and how it started messing with me. Every time I thought we were crossing the line of friendship, I would retreat and become distant. Then I realized how much I missed Byunghun and approximated him again. When we became very closely, and I thought I was falling in love with him, I became distant again; and returned when I missed him. We had lived that way, in a loop of confused feelings.

Now, in a way, Byunghun had become a stranger again and we came back to formation we should have originally and that made me sad. It was almost like proof that L.Joe should never have happened to us; and maybe it was a sign that Byunghun shouldn’t exist for me.

"Chanhee hyung!" Changhyun called after realizing that I was completely still in the middle of choreography. "It's all right?"

"He must be thinking in vampire girl," Niel teased.

"Vampire girl? Did Chanhee get a girlfriend? "Jonghyun looked curious.

"It's nothing like that, I'm just tired." I protested. I didn’t have to get on that topic again.

In next morning after our first time, I went from Byung's apartment to TOP Media where we would begin rehearsals for the Japanese tour. Niel made a huge noise because I was late. He made more noise when saw red marks on my neck and collarbone. Byunghun had left a dozen marks on my body, many of them in visible places. I tried to avoid questions about it, the boys assumed that I'd gotten a girlfriend, somebody from the musical, and nicknamed her as vampire girl.

I had been with Byunghun two or three times after that. He appeared at the door of the theater with a different excuse and I always ended up in his bed. This time, he had simply appeared at the theater's door, claiming that he had enjoyed the musical. He lied very badly. I knew he hated musicals.

I still felt insecure about the situation. I liked being with him, I could not deny it. On the other side, the promise of being together still around my thoughts. I hadn’t given a proper answer and avoided the question whenever I could. I loved Byunghun, but it was not something I could promise without thinking too much about it.

I had promised myself that I would avoid any contact with him until I had an answer, but when he appeared at the theater’s door with the most handsome smile in the world, I could not get away. In the end, I had spent night with Byunhung again; but I guaranteed Byunghun wouldn’t leave any visible mark.

I felt those days as the happiest days of my life; but there was a part of me that felt like I was digging my own grave and sooner or later all that romantic illusion would crumble like a house of cards.

"Chunji, I can talk to you." Our manager shoved his face into the doorway as we paused practice. I followed him into his office and he closed the door as soon as I entered. "Is there something you wanted to tell me?" He started.

"No."

"Are you sure? You've been late and very distracted these days." The manager went straight to the point.

"I'm sorry for delay; the traffic is bad these days." I lied.

"And how does that explain the marks on your neck?" I instinctively covered my neck with hands, even though I knew the marks were no visible anymore. "Are you date anyone?" He questioned and I felt my face flush. "It's Byunghun, is not?"

My eyes widened and I blushed even more. I didn’t know what to answer. He knew it, was obvious, and there was no point in lying about it.

"I spent all these years preparing myself for the day when you guys would let your teenage hormones speak louder and I'd catch you two together in the dorm. And you two decide to do it now, when I cannot control you guys anymore." Despite his serious tone, he didn’t angry.

I not answer anything. I felt my ears warm. Were our feelings so obvious?

"Chanhee, this is your personal life and I shouldn’t intrude. Nevertheless, I'm your manager and you know I need to do this." I just nodded. "Do you love him?"

Of course I did. Even though I had never answered any of Byunghun's 'I love you' and even if that promise haunted me, it was clear that I loved him.

"Yes," I replied.

"More than Teen Top?" I didn’t expect that question. I loved Byung, but I loved Teen Top too. We were a family; it was almost like making me choose between mom and dad. I didn’t know how to respond.

"You know where you're going, right?" The manager looked at me. "Byunghun left is still recent. You know this is a delicate topic for your bandmates and you know that many fans blame L.Joe for everything that happened.” I just nodded. "You're in the middle of a tug of war and no matter which side wins, the rope is the only one that always gets damaged."

"I know." I knew what he meant. No matter if I chose Teen Top or my feelings for Byunghun, I would get hurt somehow. I knew boys would not accept that I had forgiven Byunghun so easily. I knew that many fans had already shifted focus from fanservice to Capji. I knew that many Angels proclaimed only by OT5, as if L.Joe had never existed. I knew that if I chose my feelings, I would be kicked out of Teen Top and be hated by many people. I knew all these things. However, I couldn’t be without Byunghun, not again. I could not live the rest of my life without him.

"When L. Joe told me he did not intend to renew the contract, I said he should think properly about it, it's my job after all; but in the end, he should choose what would make him happy." The manager smiled. "It’s the same for you."

"I'll think about it properly," I said before leaving the room.

My eyes were full of tears and I could not say how I felt. I was extremely happy to share my feelings with Byunghun, but I was worried about how things would be. That would not be love-dove for the rest of our lives and the price of that happiness to be charged.

I would never forgive Byunghun for leaving the Teen Top. Everything would be so much easier if we were still together like a group.


	7. Christmas Special Concert

~L.Joe

Teen Top was in Japanese tour, I had seen a note on a website and Chanhee had told me about practice. My last show with Teen Top had been in Japan, Christmas Special Concert and although I liked Japanese fans that I wasn’t on my best day.

Chunji and I had a stupid argument because of contract renewal. All of them had renewed the contract in the middle of December, but I had delayed the decision because it had several clauses that I didn’t agree. Chunji and I were constantly fighting over it.

Although on the stage, he smiled and was cordial to me, I knew he was annoyed at everything and I was not expecting more of his fake smiles until, at a certain moment of the show, he ran his hand over my shoulder, lovely, and those were the best seconds of my day.

Anyway, I tried not to think about the past and cling to this kind of bittersweet memory. Finally, my life was getting in the way. I still needed to solve all the implications that nullifications by my contract with TOP Media implied; but I was attending several casting tests, I was still receiving gifts from some Angels and I had Chanhee.

It had been a long day. I had been casting to a small role on a web drama and had spent all day in the recording studio. It was a small role, but I was happy to be able to continue my acting career.

It was late afternoon when I returned to my apartment. I was tired, hungry and wanting to take a relaxing bath. I stopped in the middle of the hallway, Chanhee stood in front of my apartment door. He wiggled his cell phone with a tedious expression.

"Channie?" He saw me and nodded. "What are you doing here? I mean, should not you be in Japan?"

"I got back Korea in this morning." He looked much more tired than I did.

"Have you waited too long here?"

"Just a little." He put phone into his back pocket.

"You could have called me..."

"You blocked my number, remember?" Stupidly, I not had Chanhee’s number anymore and because of that, we were incommunicable while he was in Japan.

"Sorry," I asked cheerfully. I would have to find a way to see him more times. We couldn’t keep seeing ourselves only when I showed up at the theater. "How was the tour?" I asked as I took the key from the apartment.

"I missed you so much," Chanhee said suddenly. It was the first time Chanhee had said it so openly. I knew he had feelings for me, and I knew he was very open and sincere about his feelings; but it sounded so different and intense that made my face blush.

"Chan..." He wrapped my face in his hands and kissed me so intensely that it stunned me.

I heard a door open and the old woman neighbor in the next apartment mumbled that we were immoral before going for a walk with her dog. Just then, I remembered we were in the middle of the hallway.

"We better get in," I said, pulling away from him and opening the door to the apartment.

I threw the keys at the sideboard next to the door and Chanhee closed the door as he entered.

"I need a shower," I said, pulling off his jacket. Chanhee looked at me strangely. "Channie, is everything okay?"

He took a step forward and wrapped me in an extremely tight hug. He was much more emotional than usual. He curled his fingers into my hair and kissed me. I hugged him and returned the kiss. The contact became more and more intense and lustful.

Chanhee dragged me around the room until we reached the bedroom and pushed me into the bed. He took off my shirt and kissed me again. Then he left my lips, went down to my neck, and licked my abdomen.

Chanhee and I had sex a few times. Few. It had always been a little strange and embarrassing. I had always taken the lead, so it was unusual and exciting to see him take the lead.

He unzipped my pants and pulled them up by the legs. I felt his icy fingers touch my member and a shiver ran through my body. Slowly, he pumped me and then ran his tongue over my member.

"Channie," I moan. He wrapped his lips around my cock and began to suck me. It made my body warm and I felt excited and dizzy.

I turned us on the bed and joined our lips again. I striped him and I could see how excited he was. My hands slid to his hips and touched him intimately. He moaned as felt my finger inside him and hugged my hips with his legs. Chanhee was digging his nails into my back. I put a second finger e he moaned loudly and tugged at my hair. Chanhee had a sensual expression on his face and I wanted that scene marked in my mind forever.

"You have no idea how much I love you" I whispered between kisses.

Chanhee stopped and looked at me. His eyes filled with water and he bit his lips. As much as he tried to hide, tears began to stream down his face and he began to cry hard.

"Channie, am I hurting you?"

"No." I could barely hear his words amid crying.

"Is everything okay?" I asked. Chanhee tried to wipe away the tears, but they kept falling.

Then he pushed me aside and ran into the bathroom. I could not understand what had happened. Had I done something wrong? Had I said something wrong?

He took a long time before return to the bathroom. His eyes were red, but he didn’t cry anymore.

"I'm sorry," he said as he settled down beside me on the bed.

"Are you okay?" I put my arm around his shoulders. He just confirmed. "Channie, if I hurt you..."

"I’m fine."

"Channie, you can tell me..."

"I'm fine." He cringed beside me. "I just wanted to be with you." His voice came out tearful.

"I want to be with you too, you know that."

"I know, but..." Even if he did not put it into words I understood his fear. I knew that getting together would not be as simple as I wanted, as those hours we spent in the apartment made me believe.

"We're going to be together" I tried to reassure him.

Chanhee did not answer, just settled down beside me, arms wrapped around my waist. There was something melancholy about smile he gave me. All I wanted was for him to be happy, for us to be happy together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: Christmas Special Concert was the last show with OT6. L.Joe had a short hair that make him so sexy ( It's my favorite along with his look on the trip to Guan)
> 
> And someone stop me! I start shipping Chuniel. I love both together but I always saw them like brothers. I don't know why it's changed now.
> 
> I love Chunjoe yet, of course!


	8. Sunflower

~L.Joe

It was the first time I was running for an award as an actor. It was obvious that I would not win competing against much more experienced and talented actors, but I was happy to have been nominate.

It had been a very beautiful awards ceremony, my fans were there supporting me and I felt happy and satisfied with the choices I had made. I still loved Teen Top, but acting was my true vocation.

After several sections of photos and autographs, it was finally time to go home. My agent was driving and talking about the awards, but I was no longer listening, I was too tired for that. I just wanted to get home and crash in bed, my lonely bed.

=8=

When I woke up that morning, several months ago, Chanhee was there, sitting on my bed, staring at himself in the mirror. I felt the happiest person in the world for being by man I loved most, but that look on his face made me worried.

"Channie, did not you sleep?" He did not answer me. I stared at his thin back and tattoo on his shoulder.

"I've been thinking..."

"About?" I sat down next to him.

"Are you happy?"

"How is it?"

"Are you happy with your life now?" It was a very broad question, which I was not sure how to answer.

“Is it about us?”

“About everything…”

"If you say it in terms of career, yes," I replied. "I like rap and composing. In addition, I dreamed of being a doctor when I was young." And Chanhee knew all this. ”However, I like acting. I always liked it. "

"You were the actor in most of our MV."

"It just made me realize how much I enjoyed acting. So, yes, despite all the problems, I'm happy now." It was true.

He stared at me silently through the mirror.

"I always dreamed of singing," he began. "I knew that I would be a singer one day. So when I went to audition for TOP Media I was so happy, and even more so when we were informed that we would debut." There was something very nostalgic in his voice. "Every time I was recognized by my singing, in solos in our concerts, in each musical I made, I was very happy and proud to have achieved my dream."

"And even though I really enjoy doing solo, I've always been a lot happier singing with all of you, who have always given me support." I could see him smiling through the mirror. A sincere smile. "I admit it was too selfish of me to want you to follow with us, just so my dream would remain perfect," he said.

"Channie..." His sound so sincere and weak.

"But it's too selfish of you to think we can be together forever," he winced and we stared through the mirror. I felt all the happiness in my chest die, so was that why he was crying before? Was that his answer to our promise?

"I love you." It was the first time he'd said those words and I thought my heart was stopped. Chanhee always been sincere and emotional. He had said ‘I love you’ for me several times before, like a friend and bandmate. This is first time that words sounds full of passion and real love. "I love you, truly, and I want us to be together forever. However, naïve to think is going to happen." He turned and faced me. His eyes were full of pain, but he was determined in words he said. "You know that however discreet we are, it will leak at some point. I don’t want to ruin the career that I took so long to build, and I don’t want you to ruin your new career."

"Chanhee..." He wrapped his hands around my face and shut me up with a kiss. It was an intense and passionate kiss, but also full of pain and sadness. We parted, but he kept his hands on my face.

"I'm so sorry. I love you…” I prepared for goodbye, the goodbye I had given him before. The goodbye that I did not want to happen. "And that's not goodbye. When all this news about you and me becomes a mere footnote, when no one else remembers us… If you still love me; as I'm still gonna love you. You can ask me again if we can stay together forever and I will be able to answer that properly." He gave a lovely smile and I felt my heart melt.

A lonely tear down by his face and I started to cry. He cried, I cried. I didn’t want to let him go; but Chanhee was right. I loved him, but what I expected? That we were to become lovers and everything would work out? May our love overcome all difficulties? He was right, we had not risked our careers before, and we would not risk it now. Neither of us would take a step if we thought carefully.

I wrapped him in the tightest, most intense hug I could, and if I had a way, I would never let him go. We loved each other, but that would not be enough to sustain a relationship, not at that moment. We kissed again, intensely and desperately. When we parted, Chanhee took his clothes and went out my apartment, without any word by me.

We had never spoken to each other ever since. No phone calls, no messages or anything. It was as if Chanhee did not exist for me and all I knew was just Chunji, the Teen Top vocalist. I learned from press that he would collaborate with one of the GFriend girls, heard about Teen Top shows and projects with Angels.

I followed my life, continued to do casting tests, one movie here, one another there. Until the nomination came for the prize and stupidly, I thought he would be there on the day of the awards. I knew he wouldn’t be, but every second of my heart hoped to see him at a glance among the guests.

The trip back home was longer than it really was, my agent kept talking and I was extremely tired. When I finally got out of the car, I only heard him say something about the fans' gifts in my apartment, but I paid no attention.

There was my lonely apartment. There were a few bundles and boxes in a corner with tickets and fan cards. I was grateful, but I was tired and I would only touch them in next day. I went to room and on the table was a vase with a solitary sunflower and a card.

It was common for me to receive flowers, large crowns, arrangements and bouquets, but I had never received a single flower. I took the card and felt my eyes fill with water.

"Am I still your sun, stupid sunflower?

Congratulations on your nomination.

I love you.

And forever"

It was not signed, but I knew the letter of Chanhee well. Why had he sent me a sunflower and written that? I had said I was his sunflower once, but that was a long time ago, how he remembered... I felt tears down my face, I knew it was not time, not yet, but he still loved me and still waiting. If he could wait until the right moment, I could wait for the moment where we would be together again too.

And our goodbye was not goodbye. It was just one to see you later. It could be a long while, but it was just one to see you later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N/T: In Shim Shim Tapa radio show, L.Joe said once that he was a sunflower and Chunji was his sun.
> 
> \--
> 
> It's over!!!! I don't know if I'm happy or sad for the end, maybe both.
> 
> I hope you like it and please leave your opinions on.
> 
> I intend to make a little spinoff focused on the friendship between Niel and Chunji. I hope I can get the idea off the paper and run.
> 
> Thanks again and I hope we can see in soon.
> 
> Bye bye! Xoxo  
> \--
> 
> For ending, I have a channel in YouTube about K-pop (line distribution, color coded and others, and of course, Teen Top). Feel free to visit me with you want.
> 
> Find me in Nerd Fox Random Show


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